Mud Lilies by Indra Ramayan

Author:Indra Ramayan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC019000 FICTION / Literary FIC044000 FICTION / Women FIC048000 FICTION / Urban & Street Lit
ISBN: 9781770866416
Publisher: Cormorant Books
Published: 2022-05-21T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fourteen

Rape never leaves you. It’s not like a hard workout where you grit your teeth while it’s happening, take a shower, and move on. It’s like a tsunami rips you out of a deep sleep and churns your insides like a blender. And all you’re left with is the slush of who you once were and, if you’re lucky, a faint memory of who you could have become.

We can start by having you write a letter to him and your mother …

“You are not a rape victim; you are a rape survivor,” Rie had said.

I was also a suicide survivor. My father’s. My attempts. Victims and survivors know the first noble truth: Life is suffering. Survivors wield pain like a sword; victims turn the sword inward. Being a survivor sucked because survivors have big holes in their hearts. They have great big gaps where the ghosts of mental illness chant songs audible only to the ears of the sufferer.

Rie said, “Promise me you’ll call if stirring up these memories gets to be too much.” Too much had happened a long time ago. Too late seemed more appropriate. I let her hug me before I slammed her office door and made a beeline for the exit. I walked quickly, as though trying to outpace the responsibility to heal my life after Clayton and his buddy had pulverized it in the basement of my childhood home.

“Hey, Chanie!” Ginger yelled.

“Hey, Ginger. I have to get home. I’m behind on my homework and in a piss mood,” I said, not breaking my pace.

“What made you go from zero to piss in all of two seconds? Come say hi to Tuffy.”

I stopped and crossed my arms. “Hi, Tuffy.”

“Did you read my note?” Tuffy said.

“I did, thank you.” I looked at the ground.

“How did your love letter turn out? Did you give it to your boyfriend?” He licked his lower lip, squinted slightly, and smiled.

“I did not.”

“Yeah, ’cuz Blue’s a dink!” Ginger giggled and shrugged.

“Why not?” Tuffy asked.

“I guess I haven’t found the right moment.”

“Don’t you two live together?”

“Maybe I’m waiting for a fire!” I turned and walked away.

Ginger jogged alongside me. “What’s with you, Chanie? Got a little Tuffy under your skin?”

“You know I’m with Blue.”

“For now, Chanie. Things change.”

I came home to a coffee-stained note from Blue telling me he was back on night shift. I was glad. As long as I could avoid Brenda and Milos, I could finally get caught up on my homework. I drew the blinds and chained the door.

Sox attacked his toy mice and ran around the apartment. I scooped him off the floor and rubbed his tiny face against my cheek. I had to study, but my whole body lagged. Lack of sleep and the stress of lying was wearing me down. Rie and P.J. had said a shrink could prescribe something to make it easier. Drugs could help the right chemicals fire so I could focus better. I’d been down that road a couple of years before with Wellbutrin and Clonazepam.

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